im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
