Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
