I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i would one night stand the shit outta him
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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