...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
