and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
