your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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