So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
