I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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