You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
