He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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