Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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