He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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