Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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