so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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