We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
