Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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