My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
