just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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