One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I will pee on everything he values.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
