Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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