my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
