I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
