so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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