I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
