On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
