you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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