Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
