the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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