smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
