u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
