I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Randomize
