dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
