you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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