So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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