I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
