i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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