I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
