Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
