If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
