dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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