What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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