Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
