My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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