i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i dont even know how to be here
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
