he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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