my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
