see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
