I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Everclear isn't food dammit
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
