Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
We're like a lot better than the average bears
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
