Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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