I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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