Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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