Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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