I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
whose ass print is on the piano?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
